Prime Gaming – September 2024

It is a long month, so I won’t muck about with this month’s Prime Gaming. There also isn’t anything in the realm of in-game guff to complain about anymore. The only offer is Lost (T)Ark‘s “Hot August Bundle,” featuring a special chest, some sharts, and some Aura. Honestly, I don’t know what any of that means, nor do I care about that or the exclusive daily challenges for Frames, Nerdle, What The?, and a few others.

We’ll start with a quick piece about the games already available as of early in the week, because I can’t be bothered writing another paragraph on Tolkien’s dross. As a celebration of The Rings of Power, a show on par with the 80s Dune because I fell asleep during both, you can pick up Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor Game of the Year Edition through GOG, and LEGO The Lord of the Rings, also via GOG. I know at least one of those is good and it is not the LEGO one. Honestly, why did they add voices to the LEGO games? I’ll never understand.

Speaking of something I’ll never understand, Borderlands 2 via the Epic Games Store. A game I have a newfound appreciation for seeing how poorly that bottom-of-the-barrel “let’s shout odd things and pretend we’re funny so these dullards playing can hang out.” I may have been, as the kids say, “Biased” against the Borderlands film in the first place, but it did give us an idea of how poorly shouting things and shooting nameless, faceless drones en masse can be done better. While I don’t like it (at all), the best part of Borderlands 2 is Tina because she’s a psycho who isn’t boring.

Address the hate mail to the usual address Keiransbin@dontcare.com.

Also available through the Epic Games Store this time is Shadow of the Tomb Raider: Definitive Edition. I know the names are about as inspired as a digestive biscuit dipped in milk for five minutes so that’s the orange one with the eclipse; the one I got with my Xbox and still haven’t played properly. Let’s give you a test to see if you will like this one: Did you like the one where she was in a relationship with Chris Brown, the sequel to the reboot that wasn’t tripe, or do you still prefer the Remastered ones from earlier in the year? If you said the latter two, you might like it.

On the other hand, if you enjoy one-dimensional characters like the one where Lara was beaten up all the time, GreedFall: Gold Edition might be for you. Available through GOG, this mid-tier Spiders-developed action RPG does what a lot of I guess PS2 and some PS3 games did, which is give you a full experience. No heavily segmented DLCs and microtransactions, just straight-up plain gameplay at its fore and that’s to be commended in an age of live service tripe. That said, playing as fantasy England, Spain, Portugal, France, and any other imperialist country might be off-putting, rightly so.

To quote the countries inhabited by the imperialists, “Oh Christ, they are back.” Do you want to take a guess at which publisher put out Whispered Secrets: Everburning Candle Collector’s Edition? I’ll give you a clue, it starts with a plosive sound and ends in “Ish;” no it’s not a P. How do I even explain a Big Fish Games game without swear words at this point? Another hidden object pile of utter tripe pumped out on a conveyor belt for OAPs. Available through the Amazon Games app, I don’t care and neither do you.

One I’m sure Mike would be all up in, Minabo – A walk through life is a social simulator about a piece of cloud with limbs having social interactions. Ok, you are supposed to be a turnip, but you are Whiter than I am. Released last April by DevilishGames, Minabo is one of the more interesting indies of this vein to hit Prime in a long while.

That was until we got my favorite dating sim turned action RPG. Available through the Epic Games Store, Eternights is very much not for children – I had to put in a reader’s discretion notice for the review. That’s what happens when one of your main party members dresses like a schoolgirl on one of those websites and your arm turns into a tentacle. The perverts among you don’t need another word, but for those who do, this action RPG is fun, off-beat, and quite enjoyable. I love a game where in the review I can say, “With the power of your right arm, you can beat off anything.”

Turning to the Amazon Games App for a second, LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures is up next. This is a game absolutely for the fans of watching Harison Ford being that smug prick Nathan Drake wishes he was, he’s just smug and a prick. Released in 2008, Traveller’s Tales did something sensible by just keeping the character expressions to the very thing LEGO is, expressive. Too bad the studio co-founder went on to make Funko Fusion.

The last of what is currently available, I have to talk about Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel. Yeah, copy-paste what I said about Borderlands 2 and keep sending the hate mail my way. Like all Borderlands games the plot is shouted at you in exposition that is supposed to be “lol, look at me, I’m so zany.” Quite frankly I’d drop Tsar Bomba on the whole series and never have to listen to any of them again, it is the same thing forever in a tasteless, bland world full of tasteless, bland characters.

So what’s available from the 12th of September then? Tales from the Borderlands via the Epic Games Store. When will it end? Here, as it is the last one, I guess because no one wants to give out the original game for some reason. I’ll never know, nor really care. Released in 2014, I remember the original Tales from the Borderlands series being very much another Telltale game with Borderlands writing. Worst of both worlds, as Miley Stewart once sang.

Moving back to GOG for two games, 9 Years of Shadows is a Metroidvania with color, excitement, and it’s that thing Alexx quite liked last year when it was released. Developed by Halberd Studios, the developer has an art team that 90% of studios would kill for. Mostly to stop them telling us scrubs that you can actually make a game with color; 9 Years of Shadows, and more importantly, the studio’s upcoming Mariachi Legends.

Following that is something I thought we’d seen before with Prime Gaming under another name, but I guess not. Moonlighter is available from the 12th with a GOG code. Released in 2018, Moonlighter is a hack-and-slash Rogue-lite where you moonlight as a dungeon explorer to find items to sell in your shop. Or I guess more accurately, you moonlight as a shop owner who dungeon explores to find loot to sell in said shop. The balance of the dungeoneering and the shop running is more favored to the dungeon side, showing a lack of confidence in one of the core concepts.

Also on the 12th, this time via the Amazon Games App, it is Golfie. To be cruel for a second, a game that looks like it could have come out on the Dreamcast. Which is both a compliment and an attack, mostly as a result of its dated design and use of chessboard grass on a floating island. Released last January, Triheart Studio’s title seems to be one of those everything games: Rogue-like, deckbuilding, and of course, minigolf. From what I understand you use your cards to take your shots, and of course there will be a luck-of-the-draw system that makes it difficult to putt well.

Despite The Open being hosted in July, it seems we’re keeping the Golf theme going with Cursed to Golf. Chuhai Labs’ 2022 side-scrolling golf-based (“Golf-like”) adventure is a platformer dressed with sand traps and usual platforming dangers like holes to the abyss. Each of the 18 holes on your adventure to golf your way out of hell (I’ll hold back my political comments) is a par 5, though you can increase the number of shots you have by hitting specific targets. When reviewing it in 2022, Alexx rated Cursed to Golf quite highly.

The only tenuous link I can make between the previous offering and this is the fact both are available from the 12th and via GOG, but otherwise Hell Pie is a 180 away from other offerings. Remember when people said The Binding of Isaac was very much the Newgrounds humor distilled into one game? Hell Pie is that for Reddit with the effort and skill required to make something like a 3D platformer filled with nostalgia. Think Conker’s Bad Fur Day without the wit, and with all of the subtly of the average Reddit user who takes the idea of beating a dead horse literally.

You see you are making a pie for the devil, the same who lives in hell. Do you get it yet?

From being disgusted by people trying to be funny to being disgusted by disgusting people: I described Artificer’s Showgunners as The Condemned and Ghost Rider, with gameplay similar to that of XCOM (/X-COM). Available from the 12th with a GOG code, this dystopian reality tv/game show turn-based action title is easily one of my favorite games of 2023. I’ll hold what I have to say about Artificer’s latest title for the review this week. Overly violent, constantly trying to up itself, and in places beautiful, well worth picking up.

“Rise up and play with up to three friends in this ever-evolving cooperative multiplayer, Rogue-lite shooter,” hold on, I need to vomit into the bucket. The final game available for the 12th, Arcadegeddon is a terribly titled third-person shooter with bland but colorful characters and a lot of the color magenta. Stop me if you’ve heard this Concord before, though of course released last July to less fanfare due to budgets, this one clearly passed me by. I don’t want to break anyone’s heart, but I just don’t care and I don’t think the 8 people who played it in the last 24 hours (at the time of writing) do either.

Moving from the Epic Games Store and September 12 to GOG and September 19th, you’ll be able to pick up Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales. Released in 2018, it is technically the latest, story-focused Witcher game we’ve got, but this time without the sexy gruff Bloody Baron. That’s how you subvert expectations Hell Pie. Set before the time we play as the White Wolf, you play as Queen Meve, ruler of Lyria and Rivia during the second Nilfgardian war. So when Ciri is about 16. It is artistically beautiful and the typically morally grey/gray storytelling the wider series is known for is matched with card battling that most of us will enjoy, I’d say.

From a game I can reasonably get behind and talk about for quite some time to something I find difficult to really say much about at all, Tomas Sala’s The Falconeer. Available through GOG. Basically a Red Barron simulator with birds instead of a Jagdstaffel 2, you go about shooting at other birds in a story that might not make a whole lot of sense because you can jump in on any point of it. I think the most damning thing about such a beautiful game is that it is fairly directionless, telling the same story from different perspectives, making it about as engaging as listening to your neighbors argue and have you break it up.

Also available through GOG on the 19th is LEGO The Hobbit, what if Lord of the Rings had even less going on in it. I hate that I’m kicking the same dead horses when it comes to The Lord of the Rings and Borderlands, I don’t want to be doing it. However, it is difficult to get enthusiastic about something you simply aren’t, especially when Traveller’s Tales kept doing the really stupid thing of putting voices in the damn game. You have expressive pieces of digital plastic, use their expressiveness which made your LEGO games popular in the first place.

Wait, Tolkien, I didn’t mean all those things I said, I’ll take your boring world over another hidden object game with about as much effort as taking a turd in the middle of the street. Released in 2023 by Tiny Little Lion and Boomzap Inc, I Love Finding Cats & Pups – Collector’s Edition is a hidden object game made to stop bored housewives from blowing their brains out while the teenager that likes milfs is at school. Thankfully thrown over onto Legacy Games, I’m surprised this is even the type of thing still being made in 2023-24.

Thankfully GOG saves the best for last on the 19th with Kerbal Space Program. The number one green man killing simulator just ahead of the Orcs Must Die series. You know how these things work, released in 2011 in very early access and in 2013 on Steam Early Access, you get some glue and lots of rocket fuel, hoping your little Kerbal doesn’t die in the fiery explosion that you send in the direction of the moon. The same moon that you overshoot and send the Kerbal into the infinite void forever more. Great fun.

Quick, get me the Pritt Stick and jet fuel, I want to see if they’ll melt my face. Wow, I wonder what kind of game Mystery Case Files: Black Crown – Collector’s Edition might be? Hardcore sex simulator? Released in 2019, this pile of Big Fish Games tripe is the 20th game in a series of midwifery that brings a bad name to the world of “casual” gaming. Available from the 26th, you can pick this dross up on the Amazon Games App.

Don’t worry, if you’re tired of me being down on games there is the chance I’ll not be down on the next one. Ghost Song is another one of those really dark, boring-looking “Do you kids like Metroidvanias?” Released in 2022, Old Moon’s Ghost Song is another one of those Metroidvanias that puts a lot of effort into telling its story and showing off its world, but falters when its gameplay is supposed to impose challenge upon you. Available through GOG, you’ll be able to pick this one up on the 26th.

Onto the penultimate game that you’ll probably pick up, but third from last in total. So of course it is one of those super niche, hard to talk about, very indie things that a couple hundred people know about, Ynglet. Ynglet is a platformer without platforms… which sounds mad in itself, but then you have the developer calling the squiggle you play as a “space dolphin.” I think I need some kind of special powders to understand this delightfully simple and somewhat charming little title that you’ll complete in a single sitting. Ynglet is available through the Amazon Games app and can be picked up from the 26th.

You can also take a Pearl Abyss code to claim something to do with Black Desert. I won’t kick this one for too long because I’ve better things to do than waste my time, but you can only redeem this one in select regions. Oh no, what a shame… too bad I am totally outside of one of those available regions to play this Korean-developed MMO.

So what is the big thing that ends the month of September with a game available on the Amazon Games App? Giana Sisters: Twisted Dream. Sorry let me do a Google search to find out absolutely nothing decent to go on other than I hate the art. Technically the third game in a series so old you think it must be collecting a pension, the original came out on the Amiga, Commodore 64, Amstrad, and so on in 1987 and was “legally distinct” to Super Mario Bros. This 2012 release is (artistically) legally distinct from poo. For the time, it was a nicely polished platformer if you like nostalgia, but hardly something to close out a month on.